Sunday, December 30, 2007

Entry Seven - Dec 31/07

Ever realize that you were lying to yourself the whole time, and you were just afraid to believe anything different? Or afraid to take what you didn't want. That just happened to me.

Entry Six - Dec 30/07

Alright, I had written an entry, but it proves to be not sufficient enough for my day. First, I didn't make the mistake I said I would the day earlier. Claps for myself. Now, I don't understand what is so hard to understand about me. I don't want a relationship. So sue me. I don't want strings, attachments, or any of that lovey dovey stuff. I just wanna fool around. I'm still in high school. Nothing lasts, especially not from high school. No one can change my mind on that, and no one can make me want a relationship either, just to make it clear.

Yea, I'm pissed. I can't get anyone away. I hate the feeling stuff. Right now I have six fucking guys to deal with. WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND. They should want this. No strings. It's like a ride you don't have to pay for. Jeeze. I know that sounds bad for myself, but I DONT CARE. I'm just sick of all their emotional bull shit.

Piss Off.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Entry Five - Dec 29/07

Time. Something that never stops, but is limited to each individual person. Sometimes I can't help but feel I'm wasting mine. I have nothing to write about today, other then what may happen tomorrow. Today, was a day wasted. I haven't seen my dad since Christmas, and I miss him. I haven't even had the time to tell him that either, because I'm so busy.

Tomorrow I plan to make a mistake, and I already know what it's going to be. I have to work, have a family thing, and then, I'll do it. I know it's going to be a mistake. Question is, will I go through with it?

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Entry Four - Dec 28/07

I was having a serious problem deciding what to write about today. And today really hasn't even started, it's only a little after 3 am. When the day is finished, I'll write about the one thing I haven't even touched on yet.

Regret.

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The day is close to over now, and I have been thinking about what I regret all day. I'm not sure what to write, because everything I have done, made me who I am now, and if I'm really that horrible of a person, then maybe I should regret something. But I don't think I am. An experience is an experience, whether you regret it or not, and all you can do is learn from them. So should I really go digging into my past about all the things I wish to forget? Or is it wrong to pretend something never happened? Maybe that's what you regret, anything you want to pretend didn't happen.

So i guess then, the question is, what do I wish never happened. What do I wish never happened. Oh wow , that's a scarier thought then I would have imagined, because I wish it never happened in the first place. And now I'm talking about it. Well, I wish I never flashed kids when i was twelve and I wish I didn't have sex for the first time when I did. I wish I could be honest with my mom, and I regret keeping everything from her. I regret never telling my step dad to fuck off, though not a good thing to regret. I regret skipping so many classes, I regret lying to who ever I might have to get out of my mistakes, and lying in general. I regret leading people on, and regret talking behind people's backs. I regret dating fags that I knew weren't good for me, but did it anyways. I regret not staying in touch with my old friends, and even my new ones that I let go. I could probably go on, but this is definetly enough for me right now. Is it wrong to regret so much? And do other people regret as much or more?

I keep saying not to regret anything, but it's damn hard to forget the times you fucked up on. And I guess, when you can't forget it because it's so bad, or messed up, or whatever it is, that's when you regret it. The thing I regret most, is risking pregnancy with this guy I knew for no more then 12 hours. I know, you meet someone at a club, go home and screw him/her, even less then 12 hours. Either way, I can't get it out of my mind. It sticks out, because of how much I wanted it, but wished I never took it when I had the chance. It was unprotected, and for a month after that, I hated myself for doing it, or at least until I found out I wasn't pregnant. We don't talk at all, and he lives an hour or so away, so we probably will never see eachother again. Sad thing is, it wasn't even good sex. I don't think I'll ever forget that summer, even though I try to. I like hookups. But for some reason, out of all the things I regret, that is the most. I feel like life is a race, or whatever your working at, it's a race, if you trip at the beginning , there's no way your making it through as good as you might of, so what's the point. I know what I'm doing wrong, I just have no motivation to fix it.

Until tomorrow.

Entry Three - Dec 27/07

Someone to lean on. Supposedly the best thing around to have, but that hardest thing for me to find. I absoloutly hate guys. I guess I'm lying when I say that because I love what they can do to me, but some of them are just so fucking retarded. I have yet to meet a boy who isn't disapointing, that I'm interested in. I'm starting to think my standards are too high, just by reading what I wrote. More then that, I think I don't know what I want.

So I met this boy, and we hung out a couple times, and I don't know, I like a challenge, and he was at first. But then it got to easy, and I was with him. Then all the sudden I didn't want him anymore. He said all the right things and did all the right things, but for some reason I wasn't interested. He was like, a boy you might see on tv and all the girls are like, I wish guys like that actually exsisted. Well, they do. For some reason, it isn't as good as it looks on tv, or at least, it wasn't for me. Needless to say, I broke up with him. A week later he kept sending me all these text messages that were so sweet, and it like, melts my heart. Now I'm back with him, but I still have the same feelings. Not gunna work out. Is it wrong to want to be single, and experience other things with other people? I guess that sounds somewhat sexual, and it totally was. I don't want to sound like a whore, but I don't want to get into anything serious. I know I'm not going to stay in a relationship now, because I want to be single when I get to university, so I can 'party without attachments'. So to speak.

So now I'm in this relationship I don't even want to be in, and I already broke up with him once. It feels like I'm carrying around a weight, and I just want to get rid of it. But how do I do that without hurting him again?

All I want is a guy who is funny, sexual and honest. I probably shouldn't put honest and sex in the same sentence. Because that's not how it works. I don't blame all relationship problems on guys. I think that every relationship has problems from both sides. Whether it's boy and girl, boy and boy, or girl and girl. No one really knows what the other is thinking, and no one really knows how it's gunna end up. I guess you have to believe that it's gunna work out. With that said, I guess I figured myself out. I don't believe it's gunna work out. I just need a guy that proves me wrong, I just don't want one now. But i guess, that's my choice too.

Last update on my life today, I promise. My mom is starting to believe that I'm staying here. Mostly the reason I was going to move out was because of her, and her husband, who I hate. He is my step dad, and don't get me wrong, he can be a nice guy. But i can't stand him. He tattle tales, he spends hours in front of the tv, and his whole presence bothers me. But I don't know if I'm sorry. Anyways, my mom has recently been really nice. Like abnormal. And I don't want to stay because I know that if I do, she'll go back to herself, the one that yells, and takes the things I pay for away. Cuz now she doesn't need to put any effort in for me to like her, because I'm stuck there.

Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Entry Two - Dec 26/07

I know I just wrote the longest story of my life yesterday, but today, the subject on my mind is love. So that's what I'm gunna talk about. Whether or not there even is such a thing.

My original theory was that Love should be forever, but forever is fading. It doesn't last anymore, parents split up, children run away, people cheat, lie, manipulate other people, and if that is what they call love, I want none of it.

My best friend says Love is a lie. It's just a word someone made up one day when they thought they had a special connection with someone. An apparent 'soul mate'. I don't know if soul mates are real either, but she has her heart set on the fact that they aren't.

Another one of my friends, a guy friend, whom I had a short fling with told me that love does exsist and love IS forever. It doesn't change and it never leaves you. "That's how you can tell whether it's love, or just another relationship." He told me.

This other guy, who I mostly just fool around with, got to talking with me. Our first actual conversation not involving anything sexual and I asked him if he'd ever been in love. He said yes. I asked him how he could know for sure, and he said, he still loves her. I felt kinda weird and awkward and then he said, he was the one who got hurt, because she didn't love him back. I asked him if he regreted it, and he said "not one minute".

Amazing, how he doesn't regret falling in love, and he's the one who got hurt. Whether he's lying to me or not, I have no idea, but I like to think that what he's saying is real. I play a lot of baseball, and for some reason, to me it's the best way I can describe love. Love is the pitcher, and your the batter. Love is gunna pitch to you eventually, who knows when, or where, you just have to swing at it, and maybe, just maybe, it'll go out of the park.

Entry One - Dec 25/07

Hey readers, or I guess, what I have of them so far. I'm starting this blog I guess, so I have somewhere to put my feelings. Sometimes it feels like there's no where, so I guess, I put them out for the world to see. If that makes any sense at all.

I come from the smallest town possible to exsist on a map; or at least that's what I like to refer to it as: Hickville. Not actually the name, but the one I'll choose to use. My parents seperated when I was twelve, no I'm not looking for a sympathy train, I'm just getting everyone up to speed. My dad lives in a larger city area 20 minutes from hickville, and I live in hickville with my mom. I see him every tuesday, sometimes wednesdays and every other weekend. Pretty good I suppose, considering some kids don't even know both there parents, or have any at all for that matter.

Recently, I told my dad that i wanted to move in with him. I thought it'd be awesome , considering my dad and I have such a good relationship, but now im having doubts. Moving day is just over a month away, and I only recently came to understand how much I am leaving. My friends, my home, my job, my siblings, my life. Everything I ever knew is in this town. Every life changing event that has ever happened to me, happened while I've lived in Hickville. I've lived here for 7 years now, 2 on the outskirts of town, and 5 in town. I'm not suggesting that I am only seven years old, cuz I'm not, I just have lived here, a little less then half of my life so far. It's hard to just let it go. My dad seems so excited that I'm moving, and this isn't the first time I've said I'm leaving, but I always back out. I would never mean to break his heart, but this time I seemed so into it , that I think i would. I'm not moving out of guilt which everyone keeps accusing me of. I made the desicion to move, it's just now, I wish i didn't have to leave everything. I love my dad, more then any other person I know or probably will ever meet, and I don't want to risk disapointing him. But i love my life too, and I realise it more and more the closer the day gets. I guess everyone fears the unknown, and it should be understandable that I get more scared, the closer moving day comes but, what if I end up not being able to do it? and just completly break his heart again. That much, I can't do. But if it doesn't work out and I have to move back, I think that would be even worse.

My mom doesn't help the situation much. When i first told her I was leaving she said it was a good idea, and that hurt because I thought she'd be sad, or something. Now I keep getting bribes from her, which she claims are not. She offered me a car to stay with her, which is apparently just to make my life easier. Easier my ass. I have one year to go in highschool, and i should have just stayed. I love my highschool , and I love my dad, and sometimes I wish, they never broke up because then I wouldn't have to choose between the two. Maybe I don't even have to choose, I'm just forcing it upon myself, I don't know. If i had a car, I could have both, but also a serious debt in cash or to my mother. So it's sort of a win lose situation. That's where I'm at now. And I don't think I have the strength to move, but I definetly don't have the courage to watch my dad's heart break again.