Entry Twenty-Two - Feb 27/08

Dear whoever listens,
Never would I say I deserve more sympathy than the next girl, and I wouldn't argue with anyone who says their life is worse. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I'm just looking for a listener. Even if no one reads this, ever, at least I got it out of my system, and that's all I ever wanted.

It's funny, I haven't written in a while, but so much has been happening. I would have never referred to myself as an addict, and always considered myself a recreational user of drugs, but for the past couple weeks, I've been high everyday, on E. I personally don't think E is a harmful drug, and according to this random boy it's not addictive. He's right. The substance itself isn't addicting. But the feeling, I love. My stepbrother called me a pillhead, it was undescribable at that time, I mean, I was high, what did I care. But now, I remember everytime I do it.

My stepdad goes to poker every thursday, which leaves my mom alone in the house with the kids. We had just been talking, so I went downstairs to ask her something, looked for my stepdads car, no where in sight. Their bedroom door was locked, and I here "Shit!", muffled noises, and I open the door, the entire room wreaks of weed. My mom, and my step dad. In their room, smoking pot? I could care less that their smoking weed, it's just sometimes I wish my mom was a mom. And at least my real dad is something. Not some pot smoking school teacher.

My real dad. Funny, I'd say we're tighter than spandex. No, I change my mind. We WERE tighter than spandex. Recently we've been fighting over my future, and completely random things. It's weird, because I'm already so messed up with school, and my home I already live in, and drugs, and relationships, and I just need him to be there for me, instead of ridiculing me. Despite my great need for a father, we're drifting apart. And I hate it. It's like, it doesn't matter how much I try to keep him close to me, we keep separating. He seems so distant, and angry at me for having characteristics from my mom. I can't help it, genetically or.. just in general. I live with her, and things rub off on people, well her bad, and some good characteristics are rubbing off on me. Sometimes I don't think he notices what he's doing. I have cried every night for the past while, about everything, and last night was the first time he didn't say he loved me. Sure, it's nothing to you, but to me, it means everything. He's supposed to support me, and be a dad, and LISTEN. He's not listening to me. I have ideas, and I'm smart, but he won't even let me finish a sentence. Then I try to say he's not listening, and I can't describe how I feel, so he just get's more mad. I used to be scared of him, forever. And now, I'm not as much, and the more of the real me that shows, the more he pushes me away, or leaves. I need a dad, or, I need my dad. The one that listens, and always loves me. Not the one that's to mad to say he loves me, and gets angry everytime he sees similar characteristics between me and mom, and the dad I can tell anything. I don't know where we are right now.

I'm so lost. I need to be found.

Entry Twenty-One Feb 18th/08

I'm afraid of the future.

Entry Twenty - Feb 7/08

When I was little, I remember I was really sad, and I wanted to talk to my mom. She was vaccuming, and I didn't want to bug her, but she stopped and said she'd always have time to listen to me because you never know when I would grow up and hate being around home.

Tonight, I went downstairs into my mom and her new husbands bedroom and waited for her to get out of their private bathroom. She rushed out of the room right passed me with not so much of a glance. I followed her to the kitchen, and asked her to look at this new shirt I bought. She looked for less then a milisecond, I stood there, and she just hurried along. Then I said, remember when I needed someone to talk to, and you said you'd always have a second for me? You know what she said, I'll look at it when I get home.

Maybe that doesn't seem like the world is falling for you, but when your mom doesn't have a second to look at her daughters t shirt, but she has hours to caress her new fucking husband, you begin to wonder...

Entry Nineteen - Feb 6/08

I'm really happy right now. I have amazing classes, amazing teachers, and amazing friends. I sort of miss my x, which is weird cuz I'm the one who broke it off, but, things happen.

I'm actually really optomistic about this new guy. We've talked for a long time, but never really been together. We're going to this relay for life thing together at his school in May. I don't really think I'm worth his time, but he thinks I am. So, will see how things pan out.

*smiles*

Until next time.

Entry Eighteen - Jan 29/08

So I guess you've missed a lot. I just had mad exams, so I didn't really have time to write an entry. My boyfriend slept over last weekend, it was pretty sweet. Or, I should probably say x boyfriend. I broke up with him today.

Needless to say, the weekend was.. crazy, and that's a definition in itself. The sex was great, but for some reason, he just doesn't have that one thing that I'm looking for. I don't even know what it is, just that he didn't have it.

Also, I'm no longer looking, for anything. I'm just going to.. let things 'roll out' persay.

Until Next Time.

Entry Seventeen - Jan 20/08

So I've been dating my boyfriend for.. I dunno, like two weeks or something, not long I know, but we've been on and off since april last year. I really like him, surprising , yes? Oh well, I love it. I've been keeping it from my best friend, because she sort of has serious jealousy issues. It doesn't matter who I'm dating, she hates them. I've concluded that she thinks when I'm dating someone I somehow like her less, or am gunna spend less time with her. Understandable I guess, but either way, because of her serious influence on my life, I just decided to keep it from her. All of my other close friends know, a little rude I guess, I'll tell her eventually.

Another thing, I guess I've been broadcasting this more then I bargained for, and it sorta wrecked this thing that can't be described in one word, that I had with another guy. He was a sweetheart, but I absoloutly can not believe what he said to me, and I'm sorta sad more then mad that it's all over now. Oh well.

I'm staying at my moms until the end of the semester. Woohoo. Decision made. She'll buy me a car on my next birthday and then I'm working full time for the summer and going to greece next year. Super exciting, I know.

My other friend and I are pretty tight, and the other day, she called me at work to tell me her dad has cancer. I didn't even know what to say, because he was pretty awesome. He then went in later to get it checked out, and they found even more. His surgerys on the 23rd, and I hope to god it works out, cuz her life is already hell.

I've been working mad hours, like 33 this week on top of 40 of school. I barely feel like I have time to breathe.

Lastly, exams are this week *gives thumbs up*, and I'm super excited.

Until tomorrow.

Entry Sixteen - Jan 14/08

Advice from foodland:

Don't get married.
If you do get married, stick with it especially through the shitty parts.
Don't talk to your kids when they do something bad.
Don't disown your kids, unless they killed a person.

That was all the super advice I got from the floor manager tonight. She's hilarious.

Oh, on a more personal note, I am now dating the one I didn't think it would work out with. It happened weird I guess, we've been on and off since april, always cuz of me, then the other day, he told me he wanted to date me. I'm like, you don't have to date me to have sex with me. He said he wants to anyways. I really don't get him, I think that's what I love about him. =]

It's like, all guys are supposed to be , 'why buy the cow if you get the milk for free' type thing right? Oh well, he makes me happy.

Entry Fifteen - Jan 12/08

When did everyone get so lost? I guess, I was sort of looking on this site I made a long time ago, and all the pictures, and everything about it reminded me of when I was younger. Not much younger, 5 years ago, about. Maybe more like 6. It's when everything changed and I grew up. I wish I hadn't now. I wish I hadn't grown up so fast.

I've sort of been the mom for my sisters and brothers for as long as I can remember. I have three sisters, and one brother, now a step brother too. It's like, sometimes I just wish I could go back, to when nothing mattered, going to school was easy, and life was easier. Growing up is hard I guess.

My parents finally got divorced in grade six, and by grade seven, I was .. grown up. At least, I thought I was. I think about the things I did, and the people I decided to do stuff with, and just memories in general, and I just think, what the hell. When did we get so lost? That there are twelve year olds running around having sex, doing drugs, and hurting themselves. Where are we now?

Well, I think about it, not much different, except I am older, and all I know is, it's gotten worse. The other day, my friend told me about these two boys, in grade three and grade five who raped this grade four girl. What's more sad, is that the grade three boy is the one who did the raping. Honestly, when I was in grade three, my favourite things were pools and trampolines, and I liked boys, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't tell you why, or that we somehow went together to make more people. Pathetic, I know, but I was nine. Now there are nine year olds raping ten year olds and it's just like, where did we get so lost?

I guess I'm a little lost right now, I just need someone to help find me. Because I'm having trouble finding a way out.

Entry Fourteen - Jan 11/08

Beaten down, she cries,
These bruises never heal,
Struck today, she dies,
Just to watch her feel.

Entry Thirteen - Jan 10/08

Love is fragile. That's what I concluded while at work today. I know, totally random right? Well, it made sense to me. Anything can break it, but if you take care of it, it won't shatter. Something along those lines anyways.

So, yesterday this guy was a total ass, and he was trying to give me a legitimate reason why, well.. it only got more interesting. He ended up telling me that he wanted to be the guy that I thought about before I went to sleep, and the one that I was with when I needed someone there, and the one I called my man, or hubby, or boy or 'whatever I call it.' He wanted to be it. Well, that was sort of overwhelming, and thats all I could say. Oh wow.

I thought about what he said, and probably ran it through my mind a million times in a few minutes until I said it, and I can't even believe I did. I was thinking about after I guess, when we were just talking, and it was like I never wanted that time to leave. Keep in mind, E was what made me in such a mood in the first place, so whether the time after was real or not, I guess I'll never know. After I said it, he told me he couldn't believe me. That pissed me off. He had just said it to me, and then I said I didn't want him lying to me. He said he wasn't. So how come all the sudden I was a liar when I said it? He said he didn't want me to say it unless I meant it, because that whole night, all he wanted to do was say it to me, but he didn't want me to feel like I needed to say it back. I guess this is what happens when someone tells you they love you. And that's all I said, I love you.

I honestly can't even begin to understand why I said I loved him. He just told me he loved me, and that he wasn't lying, and blah blah. And I dunno.. I just.. said it back. I don't know why, it's like.. the one piece of the puzzle that you need to make the picture actually look like something, is missing.

Well , what the hell, because I don't think I love him, no, definetly not, and now, I don't even know where everything is at.

Love is fragile, and complicated. Even more so, when you don't love them back... and they think you do.

Entry Twelve - Jan 9/08

I told someone about all the stuff I've been getting into today, my french teacher actually. I never really liked her, but she listens, and is pretty chill when she's not teaching you.

Oh, well the guy I fucked last night, I told him that , that would be the last time I talked to him. And he said he wouldnt let that happen. This morning, my friends and I are sitting in timmys just talking and such, he comes in, and walks out. It was okay though, like I was sort of pissed, but I don't really want anything from it. It's over. And right now, hes trying to give me lame ass excuses as to why. Pfft. As if.

Entry Eleven - Jan 8/08

Well jeeze. If I wasn't travelling down mistake road at 50 miles an hour I'd have more time to write on here. I wanted to, but I've been working, chilling with friends, making dumbass decisions .

I have been on E for a while now, and it's a horrible thing. I could almost say that thinking I'm not lying, but it has put me in such a good mood. Not like stupid good, but more positive thinking. Furthermore, i realized a lot which my best friend called epiphanies. I read them again now, and it sorta makes me laugh. I decided Id think more positively, that I didn't need a guy, and that I should stop having sex with random guys. Haha , jeeze. Sometimes, I'm funny.

I just had sex, it was okay. Not outstanding. It was also unprotected. You think I would have learned from the first time, but nope. The worst thing is, this time I'm not on any kind of birth control. Will see how that turns out.

Oh, my mom is stealing money from me, and I didn't even know, and during my serious episode of happiness, I happened to tell my dad that I was for sure moving in with him. Well, at least thats one problem I don't have to deal with.. damn it.

My life is constantly going downhill , and I'm having serious problems turning back around and climbing back up. It seems easier to fall, I'm just scared for when I hit the ground.

Entry Ten - Jan 6/08

I havent written in a while , and my goal was to write everyday. Nothing really happened, so I couldn't say anything interesting. Except for tonight.

I went to my old friends house, we got high, decided to hotbox her room while her father was downstairs. Bad idea. We got caught, anyways, shes in trouble, but I got away with it, again. Like everything else.

I also did a ton of E. Im a little shaky right now. And I don't really have much more to write about... Actually I have a ton, but I'll write it tomorrow, when I'm in a better state of mind.

Entry Nine - Jan 2/08

So, I write an entry everyday. I don't really even have time to put thought into this entry because I'm tired, and have been working all day on the billion assignment I have do on Jan 7/08. I have a 3 page essay in french not double spaced, presentation and poster due, 600 page novel to read including a critical analysis of different aspects of it worth 10% of my mark, and 5 articles I have to find, analyze, summarize and explain why its private or public law. In two weeks from that I have exams in all my classes that I haven't even begun to study for.

On top of that, I'm having so many guy issues, I can barely hold myself together. And that's what I'm trying to avoid,

AND, in less then 30 days I'm moving from everything I've ever known. My heart is burning and my head is spinning thinking about it.

Needless to say, I'm a little stressed.

Entry Eight - Jan 1/08

Wow, 2008. I ended 2007 and started 2008 with my best friend. Later on in the night, we played smurf shots. It was fun at the time, but today I sort of regret it. It's when you watch an episode of the smurfs, and everytime they say smurf, you take a shot of straight vodka. Oh yea, real fun, real plastered, real fast.

My friend ended up spending the rest of the night hanging over the toilet. Happy 2008. I was up til five, sixish making sure she was okay after she passed out at four thirty. I was completely smashed, but apparently I still have half a mind at that point, and realised that I hadn't even thought of a new year's resoloution. I don't want to give up something, because everyone does that. I want to try something, several things, but I don't know what those things are yet. I guess I'll find out during the year.

I'm still having trouble figuring out the whole, where to live thing. My dad randomly started bashing everything that I want to do with my life, and apparently he was 'just being honest.' I could tell he was just attacking me because of the whole move thing, and thinking I still wasn't going to move. Understandable, I guess. Well, my mom offered me a car, which I said a while ago, and that I can have it , if I just finish this year at the highschool im at now. Well, I told my dad, and he said take the car. I was like awesome, easy way out. Now i can have both the school, car and live at my dads, just for another four months. But of course, nothing is easy. He said he wanted to put his needs aside and think of mine. 20 minutes later, I was out of the shower, and he was telling me how it's just another trap to get me to stay at my mom's house, and that it would be horrible and I wouldn't end up moving. So now, I'm in the same place.

I basically feel like shit, not knowing where to move, mixed with a massive hangover from new year's eve. I can't even put into words how I feel. It's like , my stomach feels like when you speed over a hill quickly and it flips for a second. Well that second hasn't stopped for me, and the feeling won't go away. I don't know if it's guilt or anything, but I hate the feeling. I want the car, and I want to move in, or I wanted too. I'm not so sure now, and that's what makes me feel so awful. He attacked me because he accused me of what he didn't even know. And I don't think I want that. Then he 'put his feelings aside' and then brought them back after he had time to think about it. He said he doesn't want to make it hard for me, but I'm absoloutly dying from the pain.

Until tomorrow.