Entry Twenty-Two - Feb 27/08

Dear whoever listens,
Never would I say I deserve more sympathy than the next girl, and I wouldn't argue with anyone who says their life is worse. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I'm just looking for a listener. Even if no one reads this, ever, at least I got it out of my system, and that's all I ever wanted.

It's funny, I haven't written in a while, but so much has been happening. I would have never referred to myself as an addict, and always considered myself a recreational user of drugs, but for the past couple weeks, I've been high everyday, on E. I personally don't think E is a harmful drug, and according to this random boy it's not addictive. He's right. The substance itself isn't addicting. But the feeling, I love. My stepbrother called me a pillhead, it was undescribable at that time, I mean, I was high, what did I care. But now, I remember everytime I do it.

My stepdad goes to poker every thursday, which leaves my mom alone in the house with the kids. We had just been talking, so I went downstairs to ask her something, looked for my stepdads car, no where in sight. Their bedroom door was locked, and I here "Shit!", muffled noises, and I open the door, the entire room wreaks of weed. My mom, and my step dad. In their room, smoking pot? I could care less that their smoking weed, it's just sometimes I wish my mom was a mom. And at least my real dad is something. Not some pot smoking school teacher.

My real dad. Funny, I'd say we're tighter than spandex. No, I change my mind. We WERE tighter than spandex. Recently we've been fighting over my future, and completely random things. It's weird, because I'm already so messed up with school, and my home I already live in, and drugs, and relationships, and I just need him to be there for me, instead of ridiculing me. Despite my great need for a father, we're drifting apart. And I hate it. It's like, it doesn't matter how much I try to keep him close to me, we keep separating. He seems so distant, and angry at me for having characteristics from my mom. I can't help it, genetically or.. just in general. I live with her, and things rub off on people, well her bad, and some good characteristics are rubbing off on me. Sometimes I don't think he notices what he's doing. I have cried every night for the past while, about everything, and last night was the first time he didn't say he loved me. Sure, it's nothing to you, but to me, it means everything. He's supposed to support me, and be a dad, and LISTEN. He's not listening to me. I have ideas, and I'm smart, but he won't even let me finish a sentence. Then I try to say he's not listening, and I can't describe how I feel, so he just get's more mad. I used to be scared of him, forever. And now, I'm not as much, and the more of the real me that shows, the more he pushes me away, or leaves. I need a dad, or, I need my dad. The one that listens, and always loves me. Not the one that's to mad to say he loves me, and gets angry everytime he sees similar characteristics between me and mom, and the dad I can tell anything. I don't know where we are right now.

I'm so lost. I need to be found.