I'm a week pregnant today. Thats guessing the exact day that i became pregnant but i know i am, day 37 since the last you know. Doctors next week.
My boyfriend and i havent really come to a decision. I don't want it. He does.
Well, I suppose thats a lie. If he would commit, if he would show some effort, i could do it. But from where i stand right now, he's not mature enough to handle a baby. And me, well.. I just wanna live a couple more years dangerously, so to speak. I want to go to university and that's why i've been beating my brains out trying so hard in school. I couldnt stop crying at this thought: I have worked hard my entire life so I could become something great. I always wanted to change the world. Not really possible, but it's something worth working for. Now i can't. It's over. This situation will change me with whatever i choose to do.
My first grade twelve exam is tomorrow. Going in with a 91. Will see what i come out with.
That's all I really have to say.
Until tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Entry Twenty-Three Jan 15/09
Wow it's been a long time. I deleted this site a long time ago or at least i thought i did because it scared me, how i had exposed myself so much. I stumbled back onto it today, and thought, why not update it, just for spite.
I kind of lost my writers 'nack', but im gunna try and get back into it. This entry will only be to get everyone back up to speed since it's been a year since i last wrote basically.
I've been dating this guy for almost eleven months now and i love him with all my heart. I was reading my old blogs and couldn't believe how i used to be, and how i used to never believe in love. This is the only thing i can say about that: Believe in love, it's totally real. It's messy, and sometimes it hurts, but it is so worth it.
He bought me a hamster his name is elvis and i dont think ive ever had such a strong love for a pet. Lmao? question mark intended. We disagreed for a while on whether or not to go into the new year with a baby, but decided against it cuz im going to university next year.
Ive been accepted to lakehead so far, and also applied to mac, laurier and trent. i have a 93, 91 and 90 in french, chem and math.. im pretty happy about it and will boast.. tho i wish they were better. School is hard. Enough said.
My parents are both set on me going to lakehead, i don't wanna go. A) i hate the winter. B) its far away from everything i have ever loved and will love. If you haven't gathered from this already, i am a homebody , and i like my home.
Until next time. Hopefully without the long delay.
Happy 2009 readers!
I kind of lost my writers 'nack', but im gunna try and get back into it. This entry will only be to get everyone back up to speed since it's been a year since i last wrote basically.
I've been dating this guy for almost eleven months now and i love him with all my heart. I was reading my old blogs and couldn't believe how i used to be, and how i used to never believe in love. This is the only thing i can say about that: Believe in love, it's totally real. It's messy, and sometimes it hurts, but it is so worth it.
He bought me a hamster his name is elvis and i dont think ive ever had such a strong love for a pet. Lmao? question mark intended. We disagreed for a while on whether or not to go into the new year with a baby, but decided against it cuz im going to university next year.
Ive been accepted to lakehead so far, and also applied to mac, laurier and trent. i have a 93, 91 and 90 in french, chem and math.. im pretty happy about it and will boast.. tho i wish they were better. School is hard. Enough said.
My parents are both set on me going to lakehead, i don't wanna go. A) i hate the winter. B) its far away from everything i have ever loved and will love. If you haven't gathered from this already, i am a homebody , and i like my home.
Until next time. Hopefully without the long delay.
Happy 2009 readers!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Entry Twenty-Two - Feb 27/08
Dear whoever listens,
Never would I say I deserve more sympathy than the next girl, and I wouldn't argue with anyone who says their life is worse. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I'm just looking for a listener. Even if no one reads this, ever, at least I got it out of my system, and that's all I ever wanted.
It's funny, I haven't written in a while, but so much has been happening. I would have never referred to myself as an addict, and always considered myself a recreational user of drugs, but for the past couple weeks, I've been high everyday, on E. I personally don't think E is a harmful drug, and according to this random boy it's not addictive. He's right. The substance itself isn't addicting. But the feeling, I love. My stepbrother called me a pillhead, it was undescribable at that time, I mean, I was high, what did I care. But now, I remember everytime I do it.
My stepdad goes to poker every thursday, which leaves my mom alone in the house with the kids. We had just been talking, so I went downstairs to ask her something, looked for my stepdads car, no where in sight. Their bedroom door was locked, and I here "Shit!", muffled noises, and I open the door, the entire room wreaks of weed. My mom, and my step dad. In their room, smoking pot? I could care less that their smoking weed, it's just sometimes I wish my mom was a mom. And at least my real dad is something. Not some pot smoking school teacher.
My real dad. Funny, I'd say we're tighter than spandex. No, I change my mind. We WERE tighter than spandex. Recently we've been fighting over my future, and completely random things. It's weird, because I'm already so messed up with school, and my home I already live in, and drugs, and relationships, and I just need him to be there for me, instead of ridiculing me. Despite my great need for a father, we're drifting apart. And I hate it. It's like, it doesn't matter how much I try to keep him close to me, we keep separating. He seems so distant, and angry at me for having characteristics from my mom. I can't help it, genetically or.. just in general. I live with her, and things rub off on people, well her bad, and some good characteristics are rubbing off on me. Sometimes I don't think he notices what he's doing. I have cried every night for the past while, about everything, and last night was the first time he didn't say he loved me. Sure, it's nothing to you, but to me, it means everything. He's supposed to support me, and be a dad, and LISTEN. He's not listening to me. I have ideas, and I'm smart, but he won't even let me finish a sentence. Then I try to say he's not listening, and I can't describe how I feel, so he just get's more mad. I used to be scared of him, forever. And now, I'm not as much, and the more of the real me that shows, the more he pushes me away, or leaves. I need a dad, or, I need my dad. The one that listens, and always loves me. Not the one that's to mad to say he loves me, and gets angry everytime he sees similar characteristics between me and mom, and the dad I can tell anything. I don't know where we are right now.
I'm so lost. I need to be found.
Never would I say I deserve more sympathy than the next girl, and I wouldn't argue with anyone who says their life is worse. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I'm just looking for a listener. Even if no one reads this, ever, at least I got it out of my system, and that's all I ever wanted.
It's funny, I haven't written in a while, but so much has been happening. I would have never referred to myself as an addict, and always considered myself a recreational user of drugs, but for the past couple weeks, I've been high everyday, on E. I personally don't think E is a harmful drug, and according to this random boy it's not addictive. He's right. The substance itself isn't addicting. But the feeling, I love. My stepbrother called me a pillhead, it was undescribable at that time, I mean, I was high, what did I care. But now, I remember everytime I do it.
My stepdad goes to poker every thursday, which leaves my mom alone in the house with the kids. We had just been talking, so I went downstairs to ask her something, looked for my stepdads car, no where in sight. Their bedroom door was locked, and I here "Shit!", muffled noises, and I open the door, the entire room wreaks of weed. My mom, and my step dad. In their room, smoking pot? I could care less that their smoking weed, it's just sometimes I wish my mom was a mom. And at least my real dad is something. Not some pot smoking school teacher.
My real dad. Funny, I'd say we're tighter than spandex. No, I change my mind. We WERE tighter than spandex. Recently we've been fighting over my future, and completely random things. It's weird, because I'm already so messed up with school, and my home I already live in, and drugs, and relationships, and I just need him to be there for me, instead of ridiculing me. Despite my great need for a father, we're drifting apart. And I hate it. It's like, it doesn't matter how much I try to keep him close to me, we keep separating. He seems so distant, and angry at me for having characteristics from my mom. I can't help it, genetically or.. just in general. I live with her, and things rub off on people, well her bad, and some good characteristics are rubbing off on me. Sometimes I don't think he notices what he's doing. I have cried every night for the past while, about everything, and last night was the first time he didn't say he loved me. Sure, it's nothing to you, but to me, it means everything. He's supposed to support me, and be a dad, and LISTEN. He's not listening to me. I have ideas, and I'm smart, but he won't even let me finish a sentence. Then I try to say he's not listening, and I can't describe how I feel, so he just get's more mad. I used to be scared of him, forever. And now, I'm not as much, and the more of the real me that shows, the more he pushes me away, or leaves. I need a dad, or, I need my dad. The one that listens, and always loves me. Not the one that's to mad to say he loves me, and gets angry everytime he sees similar characteristics between me and mom, and the dad I can tell anything. I don't know where we are right now.
I'm so lost. I need to be found.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Entry Twenty - Feb 7/08
When I was little, I remember I was really sad, and I wanted to talk to my mom. She was vaccuming, and I didn't want to bug her, but she stopped and said she'd always have time to listen to me because you never know when I would grow up and hate being around home.
Tonight, I went downstairs into my mom and her new husbands bedroom and waited for her to get out of their private bathroom. She rushed out of the room right passed me with not so much of a glance. I followed her to the kitchen, and asked her to look at this new shirt I bought. She looked for less then a milisecond, I stood there, and she just hurried along. Then I said, remember when I needed someone to talk to, and you said you'd always have a second for me? You know what she said, I'll look at it when I get home.
Maybe that doesn't seem like the world is falling for you, but when your mom doesn't have a second to look at her daughters t shirt, but she has hours to caress her new fucking husband, you begin to wonder...
Tonight, I went downstairs into my mom and her new husbands bedroom and waited for her to get out of their private bathroom. She rushed out of the room right passed me with not so much of a glance. I followed her to the kitchen, and asked her to look at this new shirt I bought. She looked for less then a milisecond, I stood there, and she just hurried along. Then I said, remember when I needed someone to talk to, and you said you'd always have a second for me? You know what she said, I'll look at it when I get home.
Maybe that doesn't seem like the world is falling for you, but when your mom doesn't have a second to look at her daughters t shirt, but she has hours to caress her new fucking husband, you begin to wonder...
Entry Nineteen - Feb 6/08
I'm really happy right now. I have amazing classes, amazing teachers, and amazing friends. I sort of miss my x, which is weird cuz I'm the one who broke it off, but, things happen.
I'm actually really optomistic about this new guy. We've talked for a long time, but never really been together. We're going to this relay for life thing together at his school in May. I don't really think I'm worth his time, but he thinks I am. So, will see how things pan out.
*smiles*
Until next time.
I'm actually really optomistic about this new guy. We've talked for a long time, but never really been together. We're going to this relay for life thing together at his school in May. I don't really think I'm worth his time, but he thinks I am. So, will see how things pan out.
*smiles*
Until next time.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Entry Eighteen - Jan 29/08
So I guess you've missed a lot. I just had mad exams, so I didn't really have time to write an entry. My boyfriend slept over last weekend, it was pretty sweet. Or, I should probably say x boyfriend. I broke up with him today.
Needless to say, the weekend was.. crazy, and that's a definition in itself. The sex was great, but for some reason, he just doesn't have that one thing that I'm looking for. I don't even know what it is, just that he didn't have it.
Also, I'm no longer looking, for anything. I'm just going to.. let things 'roll out' persay.
Until Next Time.
Needless to say, the weekend was.. crazy, and that's a definition in itself. The sex was great, but for some reason, he just doesn't have that one thing that I'm looking for. I don't even know what it is, just that he didn't have it.
Also, I'm no longer looking, for anything. I'm just going to.. let things 'roll out' persay.
Until Next Time.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Entry Seventeen - Jan 20/08
So I've been dating my boyfriend for.. I dunno, like two weeks or something, not long I know, but we've been on and off since april last year. I really like him, surprising , yes? Oh well, I love it. I've been keeping it from my best friend, because she sort of has serious jealousy issues. It doesn't matter who I'm dating, she hates them. I've concluded that she thinks when I'm dating someone I somehow like her less, or am gunna spend less time with her. Understandable I guess, but either way, because of her serious influence on my life, I just decided to keep it from her. All of my other close friends know, a little rude I guess, I'll tell her eventually.
Another thing, I guess I've been broadcasting this more then I bargained for, and it sorta wrecked this thing that can't be described in one word, that I had with another guy. He was a sweetheart, but I absoloutly can not believe what he said to me, and I'm sorta sad more then mad that it's all over now. Oh well.
I'm staying at my moms until the end of the semester. Woohoo. Decision made. She'll buy me a car on my next birthday and then I'm working full time for the summer and going to greece next year. Super exciting, I know.
My other friend and I are pretty tight, and the other day, she called me at work to tell me her dad has cancer. I didn't even know what to say, because he was pretty awesome. He then went in later to get it checked out, and they found even more. His surgerys on the 23rd, and I hope to god it works out, cuz her life is already hell.
I've been working mad hours, like 33 this week on top of 40 of school. I barely feel like I have time to breathe.
Lastly, exams are this week *gives thumbs up*, and I'm super excited.
Until tomorrow.
Another thing, I guess I've been broadcasting this more then I bargained for, and it sorta wrecked this thing that can't be described in one word, that I had with another guy. He was a sweetheart, but I absoloutly can not believe what he said to me, and I'm sorta sad more then mad that it's all over now. Oh well.
I'm staying at my moms until the end of the semester. Woohoo. Decision made. She'll buy me a car on my next birthday and then I'm working full time for the summer and going to greece next year. Super exciting, I know.
My other friend and I are pretty tight, and the other day, she called me at work to tell me her dad has cancer. I didn't even know what to say, because he was pretty awesome. He then went in later to get it checked out, and they found even more. His surgerys on the 23rd, and I hope to god it works out, cuz her life is already hell.
I've been working mad hours, like 33 this week on top of 40 of school. I barely feel like I have time to breathe.
Lastly, exams are this week *gives thumbs up*, and I'm super excited.
Until tomorrow.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Entry Sixteen - Jan 14/08
Advice from foodland:
Don't get married.
If you do get married, stick with it especially through the shitty parts.
Don't talk to your kids when they do something bad.
Don't disown your kids, unless they killed a person.
That was all the super advice I got from the floor manager tonight. She's hilarious.
Oh, on a more personal note, I am now dating the one I didn't think it would work out with. It happened weird I guess, we've been on and off since april, always cuz of me, then the other day, he told me he wanted to date me. I'm like, you don't have to date me to have sex with me. He said he wants to anyways. I really don't get him, I think that's what I love about him. =]
It's like, all guys are supposed to be , 'why buy the cow if you get the milk for free' type thing right? Oh well, he makes me happy.
Don't get married.
If you do get married, stick with it especially through the shitty parts.
Don't talk to your kids when they do something bad.
Don't disown your kids, unless they killed a person.
That was all the super advice I got from the floor manager tonight. She's hilarious.
Oh, on a more personal note, I am now dating the one I didn't think it would work out with. It happened weird I guess, we've been on and off since april, always cuz of me, then the other day, he told me he wanted to date me. I'm like, you don't have to date me to have sex with me. He said he wants to anyways. I really don't get him, I think that's what I love about him. =]
It's like, all guys are supposed to be , 'why buy the cow if you get the milk for free' type thing right? Oh well, he makes me happy.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Entry Fifteen - Jan 12/08
When did everyone get so lost? I guess, I was sort of looking on this site I made a long time ago, and all the pictures, and everything about it reminded me of when I was younger. Not much younger, 5 years ago, about. Maybe more like 6. It's when everything changed and I grew up. I wish I hadn't now. I wish I hadn't grown up so fast.
I've sort of been the mom for my sisters and brothers for as long as I can remember. I have three sisters, and one brother, now a step brother too. It's like, sometimes I just wish I could go back, to when nothing mattered, going to school was easy, and life was easier. Growing up is hard I guess.
My parents finally got divorced in grade six, and by grade seven, I was .. grown up. At least, I thought I was. I think about the things I did, and the people I decided to do stuff with, and just memories in general, and I just think, what the hell. When did we get so lost? That there are twelve year olds running around having sex, doing drugs, and hurting themselves. Where are we now?
Well, I think about it, not much different, except I am older, and all I know is, it's gotten worse. The other day, my friend told me about these two boys, in grade three and grade five who raped this grade four girl. What's more sad, is that the grade three boy is the one who did the raping. Honestly, when I was in grade three, my favourite things were pools and trampolines, and I liked boys, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't tell you why, or that we somehow went together to make more people. Pathetic, I know, but I was nine. Now there are nine year olds raping ten year olds and it's just like, where did we get so lost?
I guess I'm a little lost right now, I just need someone to help find me. Because I'm having trouble finding a way out.
I've sort of been the mom for my sisters and brothers for as long as I can remember. I have three sisters, and one brother, now a step brother too. It's like, sometimes I just wish I could go back, to when nothing mattered, going to school was easy, and life was easier. Growing up is hard I guess.
My parents finally got divorced in grade six, and by grade seven, I was .. grown up. At least, I thought I was. I think about the things I did, and the people I decided to do stuff with, and just memories in general, and I just think, what the hell. When did we get so lost? That there are twelve year olds running around having sex, doing drugs, and hurting themselves. Where are we now?
Well, I think about it, not much different, except I am older, and all I know is, it's gotten worse. The other day, my friend told me about these two boys, in grade three and grade five who raped this grade four girl. What's more sad, is that the grade three boy is the one who did the raping. Honestly, when I was in grade three, my favourite things were pools and trampolines, and I liked boys, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't tell you why, or that we somehow went together to make more people. Pathetic, I know, but I was nine. Now there are nine year olds raping ten year olds and it's just like, where did we get so lost?
I guess I'm a little lost right now, I just need someone to help find me. Because I'm having trouble finding a way out.
Entry Fourteen - Jan 11/08
Beaten down, she cries,
These bruises never heal,
Struck today, she dies,
Just to watch her feel.
These bruises never heal,
Struck today, she dies,
Just to watch her feel.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Entry Thirteen - Jan 10/08
Love is fragile. That's what I concluded while at work today. I know, totally random right? Well, it made sense to me. Anything can break it, but if you take care of it, it won't shatter. Something along those lines anyways.
So, yesterday this guy was a total ass, and he was trying to give me a legitimate reason why, well.. it only got more interesting. He ended up telling me that he wanted to be the guy that I thought about before I went to sleep, and the one that I was with when I needed someone there, and the one I called my man, or hubby, or boy or 'whatever I call it.' He wanted to be it. Well, that was sort of overwhelming, and thats all I could say. Oh wow.
I thought about what he said, and probably ran it through my mind a million times in a few minutes until I said it, and I can't even believe I did. I was thinking about after I guess, when we were just talking, and it was like I never wanted that time to leave. Keep in mind, E was what made me in such a mood in the first place, so whether the time after was real or not, I guess I'll never know. After I said it, he told me he couldn't believe me. That pissed me off. He had just said it to me, and then I said I didn't want him lying to me. He said he wasn't. So how come all the sudden I was a liar when I said it? He said he didn't want me to say it unless I meant it, because that whole night, all he wanted to do was say it to me, but he didn't want me to feel like I needed to say it back. I guess this is what happens when someone tells you they love you. And that's all I said, I love you.
I honestly can't even begin to understand why I said I loved him. He just told me he loved me, and that he wasn't lying, and blah blah. And I dunno.. I just.. said it back. I don't know why, it's like.. the one piece of the puzzle that you need to make the picture actually look like something, is missing.
Well , what the hell, because I don't think I love him, no, definetly not, and now, I don't even know where everything is at.
Love is fragile, and complicated. Even more so, when you don't love them back... and they think you do.
So, yesterday this guy was a total ass, and he was trying to give me a legitimate reason why, well.. it only got more interesting. He ended up telling me that he wanted to be the guy that I thought about before I went to sleep, and the one that I was with when I needed someone there, and the one I called my man, or hubby, or boy or 'whatever I call it.' He wanted to be it. Well, that was sort of overwhelming, and thats all I could say. Oh wow.
I thought about what he said, and probably ran it through my mind a million times in a few minutes until I said it, and I can't even believe I did. I was thinking about after I guess, when we were just talking, and it was like I never wanted that time to leave. Keep in mind, E was what made me in such a mood in the first place, so whether the time after was real or not, I guess I'll never know. After I said it, he told me he couldn't believe me. That pissed me off. He had just said it to me, and then I said I didn't want him lying to me. He said he wasn't. So how come all the sudden I was a liar when I said it? He said he didn't want me to say it unless I meant it, because that whole night, all he wanted to do was say it to me, but he didn't want me to feel like I needed to say it back. I guess this is what happens when someone tells you they love you. And that's all I said, I love you.
I honestly can't even begin to understand why I said I loved him. He just told me he loved me, and that he wasn't lying, and blah blah. And I dunno.. I just.. said it back. I don't know why, it's like.. the one piece of the puzzle that you need to make the picture actually look like something, is missing.
Well , what the hell, because I don't think I love him, no, definetly not, and now, I don't even know where everything is at.
Love is fragile, and complicated. Even more so, when you don't love them back... and they think you do.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Entry Twelve - Jan 9/08
I told someone about all the stuff I've been getting into today, my french teacher actually. I never really liked her, but she listens, and is pretty chill when she's not teaching you.
Oh, well the guy I fucked last night, I told him that , that would be the last time I talked to him. And he said he wouldnt let that happen. This morning, my friends and I are sitting in timmys just talking and such, he comes in, and walks out. It was okay though, like I was sort of pissed, but I don't really want anything from it. It's over. And right now, hes trying to give me lame ass excuses as to why. Pfft. As if.
Oh, well the guy I fucked last night, I told him that , that would be the last time I talked to him. And he said he wouldnt let that happen. This morning, my friends and I are sitting in timmys just talking and such, he comes in, and walks out. It was okay though, like I was sort of pissed, but I don't really want anything from it. It's over. And right now, hes trying to give me lame ass excuses as to why. Pfft. As if.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Entry Eleven - Jan 8/08
Well jeeze. If I wasn't travelling down mistake road at 50 miles an hour I'd have more time to write on here. I wanted to, but I've been working, chilling with friends, making dumbass decisions .
I have been on E for a while now, and it's a horrible thing. I could almost say that thinking I'm not lying, but it has put me in such a good mood. Not like stupid good, but more positive thinking. Furthermore, i realized a lot which my best friend called epiphanies. I read them again now, and it sorta makes me laugh. I decided Id think more positively, that I didn't need a guy, and that I should stop having sex with random guys. Haha , jeeze. Sometimes, I'm funny.
I just had sex, it was okay. Not outstanding. It was also unprotected. You think I would have learned from the first time, but nope. The worst thing is, this time I'm not on any kind of birth control. Will see how that turns out.
Oh, my mom is stealing money from me, and I didn't even know, and during my serious episode of happiness, I happened to tell my dad that I was for sure moving in with him. Well, at least thats one problem I don't have to deal with.. damn it.
My life is constantly going downhill , and I'm having serious problems turning back around and climbing back up. It seems easier to fall, I'm just scared for when I hit the ground.
I have been on E for a while now, and it's a horrible thing. I could almost say that thinking I'm not lying, but it has put me in such a good mood. Not like stupid good, but more positive thinking. Furthermore, i realized a lot which my best friend called epiphanies. I read them again now, and it sorta makes me laugh. I decided Id think more positively, that I didn't need a guy, and that I should stop having sex with random guys. Haha , jeeze. Sometimes, I'm funny.
I just had sex, it was okay. Not outstanding. It was also unprotected. You think I would have learned from the first time, but nope. The worst thing is, this time I'm not on any kind of birth control. Will see how that turns out.
Oh, my mom is stealing money from me, and I didn't even know, and during my serious episode of happiness, I happened to tell my dad that I was for sure moving in with him. Well, at least thats one problem I don't have to deal with.. damn it.
My life is constantly going downhill , and I'm having serious problems turning back around and climbing back up. It seems easier to fall, I'm just scared for when I hit the ground.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Entry Ten - Jan 6/08
I havent written in a while , and my goal was to write everyday. Nothing really happened, so I couldn't say anything interesting. Except for tonight.
I went to my old friends house, we got high, decided to hotbox her room while her father was downstairs. Bad idea. We got caught, anyways, shes in trouble, but I got away with it, again. Like everything else.
I also did a ton of E. Im a little shaky right now. And I don't really have much more to write about... Actually I have a ton, but I'll write it tomorrow, when I'm in a better state of mind.
I went to my old friends house, we got high, decided to hotbox her room while her father was downstairs. Bad idea. We got caught, anyways, shes in trouble, but I got away with it, again. Like everything else.
I also did a ton of E. Im a little shaky right now. And I don't really have much more to write about... Actually I have a ton, but I'll write it tomorrow, when I'm in a better state of mind.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Entry Nine - Jan 2/08
So, I write an entry everyday. I don't really even have time to put thought into this entry because I'm tired, and have been working all day on the billion assignment I have do on Jan 7/08. I have a 3 page essay in french not double spaced, presentation and poster due, 600 page novel to read including a critical analysis of different aspects of it worth 10% of my mark, and 5 articles I have to find, analyze, summarize and explain why its private or public law. In two weeks from that I have exams in all my classes that I haven't even begun to study for.
On top of that, I'm having so many guy issues, I can barely hold myself together. And that's what I'm trying to avoid,
AND, in less then 30 days I'm moving from everything I've ever known. My heart is burning and my head is spinning thinking about it.
Needless to say, I'm a little stressed.
On top of that, I'm having so many guy issues, I can barely hold myself together. And that's what I'm trying to avoid,
AND, in less then 30 days I'm moving from everything I've ever known. My heart is burning and my head is spinning thinking about it.
Needless to say, I'm a little stressed.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Entry Eight - Jan 1/08
Wow, 2008. I ended 2007 and started 2008 with my best friend. Later on in the night, we played smurf shots. It was fun at the time, but today I sort of regret it. It's when you watch an episode of the smurfs, and everytime they say smurf, you take a shot of straight vodka. Oh yea, real fun, real plastered, real fast.
My friend ended up spending the rest of the night hanging over the toilet. Happy 2008. I was up til five, sixish making sure she was okay after she passed out at four thirty. I was completely smashed, but apparently I still have half a mind at that point, and realised that I hadn't even thought of a new year's resoloution. I don't want to give up something, because everyone does that. I want to try something, several things, but I don't know what those things are yet. I guess I'll find out during the year.
I'm still having trouble figuring out the whole, where to live thing. My dad randomly started bashing everything that I want to do with my life, and apparently he was 'just being honest.' I could tell he was just attacking me because of the whole move thing, and thinking I still wasn't going to move. Understandable, I guess. Well, my mom offered me a car, which I said a while ago, and that I can have it , if I just finish this year at the highschool im at now. Well, I told my dad, and he said take the car. I was like awesome, easy way out. Now i can have both the school, car and live at my dads, just for another four months. But of course, nothing is easy. He said he wanted to put his needs aside and think of mine. 20 minutes later, I was out of the shower, and he was telling me how it's just another trap to get me to stay at my mom's house, and that it would be horrible and I wouldn't end up moving. So now, I'm in the same place.
I basically feel like shit, not knowing where to move, mixed with a massive hangover from new year's eve. I can't even put into words how I feel. It's like , my stomach feels like when you speed over a hill quickly and it flips for a second. Well that second hasn't stopped for me, and the feeling won't go away. I don't know if it's guilt or anything, but I hate the feeling. I want the car, and I want to move in, or I wanted too. I'm not so sure now, and that's what makes me feel so awful. He attacked me because he accused me of what he didn't even know. And I don't think I want that. Then he 'put his feelings aside' and then brought them back after he had time to think about it. He said he doesn't want to make it hard for me, but I'm absoloutly dying from the pain.
Until tomorrow.
My friend ended up spending the rest of the night hanging over the toilet. Happy 2008. I was up til five, sixish making sure she was okay after she passed out at four thirty. I was completely smashed, but apparently I still have half a mind at that point, and realised that I hadn't even thought of a new year's resoloution. I don't want to give up something, because everyone does that. I want to try something, several things, but I don't know what those things are yet. I guess I'll find out during the year.
I'm still having trouble figuring out the whole, where to live thing. My dad randomly started bashing everything that I want to do with my life, and apparently he was 'just being honest.' I could tell he was just attacking me because of the whole move thing, and thinking I still wasn't going to move. Understandable, I guess. Well, my mom offered me a car, which I said a while ago, and that I can have it , if I just finish this year at the highschool im at now. Well, I told my dad, and he said take the car. I was like awesome, easy way out. Now i can have both the school, car and live at my dads, just for another four months. But of course, nothing is easy. He said he wanted to put his needs aside and think of mine. 20 minutes later, I was out of the shower, and he was telling me how it's just another trap to get me to stay at my mom's house, and that it would be horrible and I wouldn't end up moving. So now, I'm in the same place.
I basically feel like shit, not knowing where to move, mixed with a massive hangover from new year's eve. I can't even put into words how I feel. It's like , my stomach feels like when you speed over a hill quickly and it flips for a second. Well that second hasn't stopped for me, and the feeling won't go away. I don't know if it's guilt or anything, but I hate the feeling. I want the car, and I want to move in, or I wanted too. I'm not so sure now, and that's what makes me feel so awful. He attacked me because he accused me of what he didn't even know. And I don't think I want that. Then he 'put his feelings aside' and then brought them back after he had time to think about it. He said he doesn't want to make it hard for me, but I'm absoloutly dying from the pain.
Until tomorrow.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Entry Seven - Dec 31/07
Ever realize that you were lying to yourself the whole time, and you were just afraid to believe anything different? Or afraid to take what you didn't want. That just happened to me.
Entry Six - Dec 30/07
Alright, I had written an entry, but it proves to be not sufficient enough for my day. First, I didn't make the mistake I said I would the day earlier. Claps for myself. Now, I don't understand what is so hard to understand about me. I don't want a relationship. So sue me. I don't want strings, attachments, or any of that lovey dovey stuff. I just wanna fool around. I'm still in high school. Nothing lasts, especially not from high school. No one can change my mind on that, and no one can make me want a relationship either, just to make it clear.
Yea, I'm pissed. I can't get anyone away. I hate the feeling stuff. Right now I have six fucking guys to deal with. WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND. They should want this. No strings. It's like a ride you don't have to pay for. Jeeze. I know that sounds bad for myself, but I DONT CARE. I'm just sick of all their emotional bull shit.
Piss Off.
Yea, I'm pissed. I can't get anyone away. I hate the feeling stuff. Right now I have six fucking guys to deal with. WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND. They should want this. No strings. It's like a ride you don't have to pay for. Jeeze. I know that sounds bad for myself, but I DONT CARE. I'm just sick of all their emotional bull shit.
Piss Off.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Entry Five - Dec 29/07
Time. Something that never stops, but is limited to each individual person. Sometimes I can't help but feel I'm wasting mine. I have nothing to write about today, other then what may happen tomorrow. Today, was a day wasted. I haven't seen my dad since Christmas, and I miss him. I haven't even had the time to tell him that either, because I'm so busy.
Tomorrow I plan to make a mistake, and I already know what it's going to be. I have to work, have a family thing, and then, I'll do it. I know it's going to be a mistake. Question is, will I go through with it?
Tomorrow I plan to make a mistake, and I already know what it's going to be. I have to work, have a family thing, and then, I'll do it. I know it's going to be a mistake. Question is, will I go through with it?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Entry Four - Dec 28/07
I was having a serious problem deciding what to write about today. And today really hasn't even started, it's only a little after 3 am. When the day is finished, I'll write about the one thing I haven't even touched on yet.
Regret.
---
The day is close to over now, and I have been thinking about what I regret all day. I'm not sure what to write, because everything I have done, made me who I am now, and if I'm really that horrible of a person, then maybe I should regret something. But I don't think I am. An experience is an experience, whether you regret it or not, and all you can do is learn from them. So should I really go digging into my past about all the things I wish to forget? Or is it wrong to pretend something never happened? Maybe that's what you regret, anything you want to pretend didn't happen.
So i guess then, the question is, what do I wish never happened. What do I wish never happened. Oh wow , that's a scarier thought then I would have imagined, because I wish it never happened in the first place. And now I'm talking about it. Well, I wish I never flashed kids when i was twelve and I wish I didn't have sex for the first time when I did. I wish I could be honest with my mom, and I regret keeping everything from her. I regret never telling my step dad to fuck off, though not a good thing to regret. I regret skipping so many classes, I regret lying to who ever I might have to get out of my mistakes, and lying in general. I regret leading people on, and regret talking behind people's backs. I regret dating fags that I knew weren't good for me, but did it anyways. I regret not staying in touch with my old friends, and even my new ones that I let go. I could probably go on, but this is definetly enough for me right now. Is it wrong to regret so much? And do other people regret as much or more?
I keep saying not to regret anything, but it's damn hard to forget the times you fucked up on. And I guess, when you can't forget it because it's so bad, or messed up, or whatever it is, that's when you regret it. The thing I regret most, is risking pregnancy with this guy I knew for no more then 12 hours. I know, you meet someone at a club, go home and screw him/her, even less then 12 hours. Either way, I can't get it out of my mind. It sticks out, because of how much I wanted it, but wished I never took it when I had the chance. It was unprotected, and for a month after that, I hated myself for doing it, or at least until I found out I wasn't pregnant. We don't talk at all, and he lives an hour or so away, so we probably will never see eachother again. Sad thing is, it wasn't even good sex. I don't think I'll ever forget that summer, even though I try to. I like hookups. But for some reason, out of all the things I regret, that is the most. I feel like life is a race, or whatever your working at, it's a race, if you trip at the beginning , there's no way your making it through as good as you might of, so what's the point. I know what I'm doing wrong, I just have no motivation to fix it.
Until tomorrow.
Regret.
---
The day is close to over now, and I have been thinking about what I regret all day. I'm not sure what to write, because everything I have done, made me who I am now, and if I'm really that horrible of a person, then maybe I should regret something. But I don't think I am. An experience is an experience, whether you regret it or not, and all you can do is learn from them. So should I really go digging into my past about all the things I wish to forget? Or is it wrong to pretend something never happened? Maybe that's what you regret, anything you want to pretend didn't happen.
So i guess then, the question is, what do I wish never happened. What do I wish never happened. Oh wow , that's a scarier thought then I would have imagined, because I wish it never happened in the first place. And now I'm talking about it. Well, I wish I never flashed kids when i was twelve and I wish I didn't have sex for the first time when I did. I wish I could be honest with my mom, and I regret keeping everything from her. I regret never telling my step dad to fuck off, though not a good thing to regret. I regret skipping so many classes, I regret lying to who ever I might have to get out of my mistakes, and lying in general. I regret leading people on, and regret talking behind people's backs. I regret dating fags that I knew weren't good for me, but did it anyways. I regret not staying in touch with my old friends, and even my new ones that I let go. I could probably go on, but this is definetly enough for me right now. Is it wrong to regret so much? And do other people regret as much or more?
I keep saying not to regret anything, but it's damn hard to forget the times you fucked up on. And I guess, when you can't forget it because it's so bad, or messed up, or whatever it is, that's when you regret it. The thing I regret most, is risking pregnancy with this guy I knew for no more then 12 hours. I know, you meet someone at a club, go home and screw him/her, even less then 12 hours. Either way, I can't get it out of my mind. It sticks out, because of how much I wanted it, but wished I never took it when I had the chance. It was unprotected, and for a month after that, I hated myself for doing it, or at least until I found out I wasn't pregnant. We don't talk at all, and he lives an hour or so away, so we probably will never see eachother again. Sad thing is, it wasn't even good sex. I don't think I'll ever forget that summer, even though I try to. I like hookups. But for some reason, out of all the things I regret, that is the most. I feel like life is a race, or whatever your working at, it's a race, if you trip at the beginning , there's no way your making it through as good as you might of, so what's the point. I know what I'm doing wrong, I just have no motivation to fix it.
Until tomorrow.
Entry Three - Dec 27/07
Someone to lean on. Supposedly the best thing around to have, but that hardest thing for me to find. I absoloutly hate guys. I guess I'm lying when I say that because I love what they can do to me, but some of them are just so fucking retarded. I have yet to meet a boy who isn't disapointing, that I'm interested in. I'm starting to think my standards are too high, just by reading what I wrote. More then that, I think I don't know what I want.
So I met this boy, and we hung out a couple times, and I don't know, I like a challenge, and he was at first. But then it got to easy, and I was with him. Then all the sudden I didn't want him anymore. He said all the right things and did all the right things, but for some reason I wasn't interested. He was like, a boy you might see on tv and all the girls are like, I wish guys like that actually exsisted. Well, they do. For some reason, it isn't as good as it looks on tv, or at least, it wasn't for me. Needless to say, I broke up with him. A week later he kept sending me all these text messages that were so sweet, and it like, melts my heart. Now I'm back with him, but I still have the same feelings. Not gunna work out. Is it wrong to want to be single, and experience other things with other people? I guess that sounds somewhat sexual, and it totally was. I don't want to sound like a whore, but I don't want to get into anything serious. I know I'm not going to stay in a relationship now, because I want to be single when I get to university, so I can 'party without attachments'. So to speak.
So now I'm in this relationship I don't even want to be in, and I already broke up with him once. It feels like I'm carrying around a weight, and I just want to get rid of it. But how do I do that without hurting him again?
All I want is a guy who is funny, sexual and honest. I probably shouldn't put honest and sex in the same sentence. Because that's not how it works. I don't blame all relationship problems on guys. I think that every relationship has problems from both sides. Whether it's boy and girl, boy and boy, or girl and girl. No one really knows what the other is thinking, and no one really knows how it's gunna end up. I guess you have to believe that it's gunna work out. With that said, I guess I figured myself out. I don't believe it's gunna work out. I just need a guy that proves me wrong, I just don't want one now. But i guess, that's my choice too.
Last update on my life today, I promise. My mom is starting to believe that I'm staying here. Mostly the reason I was going to move out was because of her, and her husband, who I hate. He is my step dad, and don't get me wrong, he can be a nice guy. But i can't stand him. He tattle tales, he spends hours in front of the tv, and his whole presence bothers me. But I don't know if I'm sorry. Anyways, my mom has recently been really nice. Like abnormal. And I don't want to stay because I know that if I do, she'll go back to herself, the one that yells, and takes the things I pay for away. Cuz now she doesn't need to put any effort in for me to like her, because I'm stuck there.
Until tomorrow.
So I met this boy, and we hung out a couple times, and I don't know, I like a challenge, and he was at first. But then it got to easy, and I was with him. Then all the sudden I didn't want him anymore. He said all the right things and did all the right things, but for some reason I wasn't interested. He was like, a boy you might see on tv and all the girls are like, I wish guys like that actually exsisted. Well, they do. For some reason, it isn't as good as it looks on tv, or at least, it wasn't for me. Needless to say, I broke up with him. A week later he kept sending me all these text messages that were so sweet, and it like, melts my heart. Now I'm back with him, but I still have the same feelings. Not gunna work out. Is it wrong to want to be single, and experience other things with other people? I guess that sounds somewhat sexual, and it totally was. I don't want to sound like a whore, but I don't want to get into anything serious. I know I'm not going to stay in a relationship now, because I want to be single when I get to university, so I can 'party without attachments'. So to speak.
So now I'm in this relationship I don't even want to be in, and I already broke up with him once. It feels like I'm carrying around a weight, and I just want to get rid of it. But how do I do that without hurting him again?
All I want is a guy who is funny, sexual and honest. I probably shouldn't put honest and sex in the same sentence. Because that's not how it works. I don't blame all relationship problems on guys. I think that every relationship has problems from both sides. Whether it's boy and girl, boy and boy, or girl and girl. No one really knows what the other is thinking, and no one really knows how it's gunna end up. I guess you have to believe that it's gunna work out. With that said, I guess I figured myself out. I don't believe it's gunna work out. I just need a guy that proves me wrong, I just don't want one now. But i guess, that's my choice too.
Last update on my life today, I promise. My mom is starting to believe that I'm staying here. Mostly the reason I was going to move out was because of her, and her husband, who I hate. He is my step dad, and don't get me wrong, he can be a nice guy. But i can't stand him. He tattle tales, he spends hours in front of the tv, and his whole presence bothers me. But I don't know if I'm sorry. Anyways, my mom has recently been really nice. Like abnormal. And I don't want to stay because I know that if I do, she'll go back to herself, the one that yells, and takes the things I pay for away. Cuz now she doesn't need to put any effort in for me to like her, because I'm stuck there.
Until tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Entry Two - Dec 26/07
I know I just wrote the longest story of my life yesterday, but today, the subject on my mind is love. So that's what I'm gunna talk about. Whether or not there even is such a thing.
My original theory was that Love should be forever, but forever is fading. It doesn't last anymore, parents split up, children run away, people cheat, lie, manipulate other people, and if that is what they call love, I want none of it.
My best friend says Love is a lie. It's just a word someone made up one day when they thought they had a special connection with someone. An apparent 'soul mate'. I don't know if soul mates are real either, but she has her heart set on the fact that they aren't.
Another one of my friends, a guy friend, whom I had a short fling with told me that love does exsist and love IS forever. It doesn't change and it never leaves you. "That's how you can tell whether it's love, or just another relationship." He told me.
This other guy, who I mostly just fool around with, got to talking with me. Our first actual conversation not involving anything sexual and I asked him if he'd ever been in love. He said yes. I asked him how he could know for sure, and he said, he still loves her. I felt kinda weird and awkward and then he said, he was the one who got hurt, because she didn't love him back. I asked him if he regreted it, and he said "not one minute".
Amazing, how he doesn't regret falling in love, and he's the one who got hurt. Whether he's lying to me or not, I have no idea, but I like to think that what he's saying is real. I play a lot of baseball, and for some reason, to me it's the best way I can describe love. Love is the pitcher, and your the batter. Love is gunna pitch to you eventually, who knows when, or where, you just have to swing at it, and maybe, just maybe, it'll go out of the park.
My original theory was that Love should be forever, but forever is fading. It doesn't last anymore, parents split up, children run away, people cheat, lie, manipulate other people, and if that is what they call love, I want none of it.
My best friend says Love is a lie. It's just a word someone made up one day when they thought they had a special connection with someone. An apparent 'soul mate'. I don't know if soul mates are real either, but she has her heart set on the fact that they aren't.
Another one of my friends, a guy friend, whom I had a short fling with told me that love does exsist and love IS forever. It doesn't change and it never leaves you. "That's how you can tell whether it's love, or just another relationship." He told me.
This other guy, who I mostly just fool around with, got to talking with me. Our first actual conversation not involving anything sexual and I asked him if he'd ever been in love. He said yes. I asked him how he could know for sure, and he said, he still loves her. I felt kinda weird and awkward and then he said, he was the one who got hurt, because she didn't love him back. I asked him if he regreted it, and he said "not one minute".
Amazing, how he doesn't regret falling in love, and he's the one who got hurt. Whether he's lying to me or not, I have no idea, but I like to think that what he's saying is real. I play a lot of baseball, and for some reason, to me it's the best way I can describe love. Love is the pitcher, and your the batter. Love is gunna pitch to you eventually, who knows when, or where, you just have to swing at it, and maybe, just maybe, it'll go out of the park.
Entry One - Dec 25/07
Hey readers, or I guess, what I have of them so far. I'm starting this blog I guess, so I have somewhere to put my feelings. Sometimes it feels like there's no where, so I guess, I put them out for the world to see. If that makes any sense at all.
I come from the smallest town possible to exsist on a map; or at least that's what I like to refer to it as: Hickville. Not actually the name, but the one I'll choose to use. My parents seperated when I was twelve, no I'm not looking for a sympathy train, I'm just getting everyone up to speed. My dad lives in a larger city area 20 minutes from hickville, and I live in hickville with my mom. I see him every tuesday, sometimes wednesdays and every other weekend. Pretty good I suppose, considering some kids don't even know both there parents, or have any at all for that matter.
Recently, I told my dad that i wanted to move in with him. I thought it'd be awesome , considering my dad and I have such a good relationship, but now im having doubts. Moving day is just over a month away, and I only recently came to understand how much I am leaving. My friends, my home, my job, my siblings, my life. Everything I ever knew is in this town. Every life changing event that has ever happened to me, happened while I've lived in Hickville. I've lived here for 7 years now, 2 on the outskirts of town, and 5 in town. I'm not suggesting that I am only seven years old, cuz I'm not, I just have lived here, a little less then half of my life so far. It's hard to just let it go. My dad seems so excited that I'm moving, and this isn't the first time I've said I'm leaving, but I always back out. I would never mean to break his heart, but this time I seemed so into it , that I think i would. I'm not moving out of guilt which everyone keeps accusing me of. I made the desicion to move, it's just now, I wish i didn't have to leave everything. I love my dad, more then any other person I know or probably will ever meet, and I don't want to risk disapointing him. But i love my life too, and I realise it more and more the closer the day gets. I guess everyone fears the unknown, and it should be understandable that I get more scared, the closer moving day comes but, what if I end up not being able to do it? and just completly break his heart again. That much, I can't do. But if it doesn't work out and I have to move back, I think that would be even worse.
My mom doesn't help the situation much. When i first told her I was leaving she said it was a good idea, and that hurt because I thought she'd be sad, or something. Now I keep getting bribes from her, which she claims are not. She offered me a car to stay with her, which is apparently just to make my life easier. Easier my ass. I have one year to go in highschool, and i should have just stayed. I love my highschool , and I love my dad, and sometimes I wish, they never broke up because then I wouldn't have to choose between the two. Maybe I don't even have to choose, I'm just forcing it upon myself, I don't know. If i had a car, I could have both, but also a serious debt in cash or to my mother. So it's sort of a win lose situation. That's where I'm at now. And I don't think I have the strength to move, but I definetly don't have the courage to watch my dad's heart break again.
I come from the smallest town possible to exsist on a map; or at least that's what I like to refer to it as: Hickville. Not actually the name, but the one I'll choose to use. My parents seperated when I was twelve, no I'm not looking for a sympathy train, I'm just getting everyone up to speed. My dad lives in a larger city area 20 minutes from hickville, and I live in hickville with my mom. I see him every tuesday, sometimes wednesdays and every other weekend. Pretty good I suppose, considering some kids don't even know both there parents, or have any at all for that matter.
Recently, I told my dad that i wanted to move in with him. I thought it'd be awesome , considering my dad and I have such a good relationship, but now im having doubts. Moving day is just over a month away, and I only recently came to understand how much I am leaving. My friends, my home, my job, my siblings, my life. Everything I ever knew is in this town. Every life changing event that has ever happened to me, happened while I've lived in Hickville. I've lived here for 7 years now, 2 on the outskirts of town, and 5 in town. I'm not suggesting that I am only seven years old, cuz I'm not, I just have lived here, a little less then half of my life so far. It's hard to just let it go. My dad seems so excited that I'm moving, and this isn't the first time I've said I'm leaving, but I always back out. I would never mean to break his heart, but this time I seemed so into it , that I think i would. I'm not moving out of guilt which everyone keeps accusing me of. I made the desicion to move, it's just now, I wish i didn't have to leave everything. I love my dad, more then any other person I know or probably will ever meet, and I don't want to risk disapointing him. But i love my life too, and I realise it more and more the closer the day gets. I guess everyone fears the unknown, and it should be understandable that I get more scared, the closer moving day comes but, what if I end up not being able to do it? and just completly break his heart again. That much, I can't do. But if it doesn't work out and I have to move back, I think that would be even worse.
My mom doesn't help the situation much. When i first told her I was leaving she said it was a good idea, and that hurt because I thought she'd be sad, or something. Now I keep getting bribes from her, which she claims are not. She offered me a car to stay with her, which is apparently just to make my life easier. Easier my ass. I have one year to go in highschool, and i should have just stayed. I love my highschool , and I love my dad, and sometimes I wish, they never broke up because then I wouldn't have to choose between the two. Maybe I don't even have to choose, I'm just forcing it upon myself, I don't know. If i had a car, I could have both, but also a serious debt in cash or to my mother. So it's sort of a win lose situation. That's where I'm at now. And I don't think I have the strength to move, but I definetly don't have the courage to watch my dad's heart break again.
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