Entry Four - Dec 28/07

I was having a serious problem deciding what to write about today. And today really hasn't even started, it's only a little after 3 am. When the day is finished, I'll write about the one thing I haven't even touched on yet.

Regret.

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The day is close to over now, and I have been thinking about what I regret all day. I'm not sure what to write, because everything I have done, made me who I am now, and if I'm really that horrible of a person, then maybe I should regret something. But I don't think I am. An experience is an experience, whether you regret it or not, and all you can do is learn from them. So should I really go digging into my past about all the things I wish to forget? Or is it wrong to pretend something never happened? Maybe that's what you regret, anything you want to pretend didn't happen.

So i guess then, the question is, what do I wish never happened. What do I wish never happened. Oh wow , that's a scarier thought then I would have imagined, because I wish it never happened in the first place. And now I'm talking about it. Well, I wish I never flashed kids when i was twelve and I wish I didn't have sex for the first time when I did. I wish I could be honest with my mom, and I regret keeping everything from her. I regret never telling my step dad to fuck off, though not a good thing to regret. I regret skipping so many classes, I regret lying to who ever I might have to get out of my mistakes, and lying in general. I regret leading people on, and regret talking behind people's backs. I regret dating fags that I knew weren't good for me, but did it anyways. I regret not staying in touch with my old friends, and even my new ones that I let go. I could probably go on, but this is definetly enough for me right now. Is it wrong to regret so much? And do other people regret as much or more?

I keep saying not to regret anything, but it's damn hard to forget the times you fucked up on. And I guess, when you can't forget it because it's so bad, or messed up, or whatever it is, that's when you regret it. The thing I regret most, is risking pregnancy with this guy I knew for no more then 12 hours. I know, you meet someone at a club, go home and screw him/her, even less then 12 hours. Either way, I can't get it out of my mind. It sticks out, because of how much I wanted it, but wished I never took it when I had the chance. It was unprotected, and for a month after that, I hated myself for doing it, or at least until I found out I wasn't pregnant. We don't talk at all, and he lives an hour or so away, so we probably will never see eachother again. Sad thing is, it wasn't even good sex. I don't think I'll ever forget that summer, even though I try to. I like hookups. But for some reason, out of all the things I regret, that is the most. I feel like life is a race, or whatever your working at, it's a race, if you trip at the beginning , there's no way your making it through as good as you might of, so what's the point. I know what I'm doing wrong, I just have no motivation to fix it.

Until tomorrow.