Entry Three - Dec 27/07

Someone to lean on. Supposedly the best thing around to have, but that hardest thing for me to find. I absoloutly hate guys. I guess I'm lying when I say that because I love what they can do to me, but some of them are just so fucking retarded. I have yet to meet a boy who isn't disapointing, that I'm interested in. I'm starting to think my standards are too high, just by reading what I wrote. More then that, I think I don't know what I want.

So I met this boy, and we hung out a couple times, and I don't know, I like a challenge, and he was at first. But then it got to easy, and I was with him. Then all the sudden I didn't want him anymore. He said all the right things and did all the right things, but for some reason I wasn't interested. He was like, a boy you might see on tv and all the girls are like, I wish guys like that actually exsisted. Well, they do. For some reason, it isn't as good as it looks on tv, or at least, it wasn't for me. Needless to say, I broke up with him. A week later he kept sending me all these text messages that were so sweet, and it like, melts my heart. Now I'm back with him, but I still have the same feelings. Not gunna work out. Is it wrong to want to be single, and experience other things with other people? I guess that sounds somewhat sexual, and it totally was. I don't want to sound like a whore, but I don't want to get into anything serious. I know I'm not going to stay in a relationship now, because I want to be single when I get to university, so I can 'party without attachments'. So to speak.

So now I'm in this relationship I don't even want to be in, and I already broke up with him once. It feels like I'm carrying around a weight, and I just want to get rid of it. But how do I do that without hurting him again?

All I want is a guy who is funny, sexual and honest. I probably shouldn't put honest and sex in the same sentence. Because that's not how it works. I don't blame all relationship problems on guys. I think that every relationship has problems from both sides. Whether it's boy and girl, boy and boy, or girl and girl. No one really knows what the other is thinking, and no one really knows how it's gunna end up. I guess you have to believe that it's gunna work out. With that said, I guess I figured myself out. I don't believe it's gunna work out. I just need a guy that proves me wrong, I just don't want one now. But i guess, that's my choice too.

Last update on my life today, I promise. My mom is starting to believe that I'm staying here. Mostly the reason I was going to move out was because of her, and her husband, who I hate. He is my step dad, and don't get me wrong, he can be a nice guy. But i can't stand him. He tattle tales, he spends hours in front of the tv, and his whole presence bothers me. But I don't know if I'm sorry. Anyways, my mom has recently been really nice. Like abnormal. And I don't want to stay because I know that if I do, she'll go back to herself, the one that yells, and takes the things I pay for away. Cuz now she doesn't need to put any effort in for me to like her, because I'm stuck there.

Until tomorrow.