Entry One - Dec 25/07

Hey readers, or I guess, what I have of them so far. I'm starting this blog I guess, so I have somewhere to put my feelings. Sometimes it feels like there's no where, so I guess, I put them out for the world to see. If that makes any sense at all.

I come from the smallest town possible to exsist on a map; or at least that's what I like to refer to it as: Hickville. Not actually the name, but the one I'll choose to use. My parents seperated when I was twelve, no I'm not looking for a sympathy train, I'm just getting everyone up to speed. My dad lives in a larger city area 20 minutes from hickville, and I live in hickville with my mom. I see him every tuesday, sometimes wednesdays and every other weekend. Pretty good I suppose, considering some kids don't even know both there parents, or have any at all for that matter.

Recently, I told my dad that i wanted to move in with him. I thought it'd be awesome , considering my dad and I have such a good relationship, but now im having doubts. Moving day is just over a month away, and I only recently came to understand how much I am leaving. My friends, my home, my job, my siblings, my life. Everything I ever knew is in this town. Every life changing event that has ever happened to me, happened while I've lived in Hickville. I've lived here for 7 years now, 2 on the outskirts of town, and 5 in town. I'm not suggesting that I am only seven years old, cuz I'm not, I just have lived here, a little less then half of my life so far. It's hard to just let it go. My dad seems so excited that I'm moving, and this isn't the first time I've said I'm leaving, but I always back out. I would never mean to break his heart, but this time I seemed so into it , that I think i would. I'm not moving out of guilt which everyone keeps accusing me of. I made the desicion to move, it's just now, I wish i didn't have to leave everything. I love my dad, more then any other person I know or probably will ever meet, and I don't want to risk disapointing him. But i love my life too, and I realise it more and more the closer the day gets. I guess everyone fears the unknown, and it should be understandable that I get more scared, the closer moving day comes but, what if I end up not being able to do it? and just completly break his heart again. That much, I can't do. But if it doesn't work out and I have to move back, I think that would be even worse.

My mom doesn't help the situation much. When i first told her I was leaving she said it was a good idea, and that hurt because I thought she'd be sad, or something. Now I keep getting bribes from her, which she claims are not. She offered me a car to stay with her, which is apparently just to make my life easier. Easier my ass. I have one year to go in highschool, and i should have just stayed. I love my highschool , and I love my dad, and sometimes I wish, they never broke up because then I wouldn't have to choose between the two. Maybe I don't even have to choose, I'm just forcing it upon myself, I don't know. If i had a car, I could have both, but also a serious debt in cash or to my mother. So it's sort of a win lose situation. That's where I'm at now. And I don't think I have the strength to move, but I definetly don't have the courage to watch my dad's heart break again.